no more contentment and fulfillment in bloggin. i used to like bloggin coz he'll be able to know how i am and such. no point now. my life is pretty much..... im okay. if he's coping, then i will. i'll still read his blog though. i hope he doesnt stop bloggin. tag/call/sms me or ask me out if you guys 'pity' me. whadever. i'll do so if im not busy. went town yest. didnt know he went there too. i had want/wish to meet him accidentally outside, like town. i guess its kinda a go0d thing that we didnt meet, dont you think so? well, my week is full of family and friends. it helps. but then when night falls or when im alone, it acts up again. nvm me. i'll manage. i do hope he'll manage. i pray that he'll be okay and fine. cause it'll make me fine...
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
my blog has officially died....
but my love for him wont.
broken by love 12:29 PM
HANISITI
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
22 Dec 2003 - 17 May 2005
i dont intend to type alot yesterday when my comp kept jammin up on me. but i guess i have quite alot to type. im in scho0l.
im fine now. honestly. im lo0kin forward to bein wo0ed again. hahaha... even though my heart still yearn for him.
i was actually okay when we met. he wanted to meet me. i had a feelin it was bad. a 50-50 feelin though. when we met at punggol park, he was okay and all. de thing that actually pissd/iritate me was that he was smilin when he askd me to guess whads his decision is. luckily i didnt say that he had wantd me back. i so0 just wantd to hug him and kiss him and said i love you and cry for joy. luckiy, i said i dont wanna have high hopes. and boy i sure get whad i dreaded. "its over siti.."
im curious still why he had to smile. it was like a go0d sign. smilin means he loved me as a girlfriend and that he had made yet another stupid mistake. sigh. love was not mine either Nat...
i told mysel that i wont cry if he decided to break up but i would cry if he wanted me back. cry for joy that is. well, i managed to keep my composure when i avoid lo0kin at his face. i was actually blockd by my inner feelins and emotions, plus de fact that i didnt wanna hear de rest of whad he had to say. so when i lo0kd at his face after he has ended his whadevers, i cant help it but to cry. maybe i watch to0 much tv or to0 influence in romance novels cause when i lo0kd at him, i thot of de face that i loved and cant have.
oh god. im cryin. no.....!!!! im not suppose to cry. relax.....
okay, better now. anw, i nearly jumpd into de dirty scary lo0kin pond which is 2o m away from where we sat. eventually i didnt due to de fact that i dont dare but i threatend him, de fact that im afraid that i might really die, and de fact that its dirty and creepy. whad lies beneath de water..
anw, cut long story short, i cursed and blamed him and made him feel guilty and scolded him after that. i was pissd and upset and overwhelmd and.... argh! god! de hurt....
however, i felt bad. after every burst of emo, i felt bad. so i huggd and kissd him, for de last time, went on talkin bout whad im gonna miss - his lips, hair, ears, eyes, nose, weird stomach and all de memories and de engraved rings that we didnt managed to buy, plus de upcomin-4-more-days 17th month.
surprisingly though, i didnt cry as much as those times where we eventually patchd up. it was kinda freaky. i cried there and then (and a lil bit just now due to typin ou tis blog) and thats about it. i guess god plannd this.
i have to end this fast. my fren needs to do his pi.
i guess this was meant to be. ive done alot of sins. i guess its time i start prayin and feel de guilt of my sins. i should stop makin my family angry and unhappy with me. i should care more for them. i should do more deeds. spent more time with frens and family. maybe god dint want us to go to0 far till we regret it. till we forget Him.
i refuse to read his blog first before updatin mine cause im scared that whad i had in mind to type out onto my blog will be affectd. anw, im at nats place now. i was from scho0l though.
okay. i had alot to type but now im blank. forget it. i'll type again when i rmbr.
oh wait. now i do.
damn. now i forget. fuck. stewpid girl.
tis morn my grandma was naggin sayin that i came back late and all. i reachd home at 11pm. i think hanis even later. she said that i was spendin alot la. keep buyin things as my money keep vanishin. she said "baru dpt duit habis. 20 dollar ibu bagi tu ari dah bis." and i said back " ain ngan hanis pun dah bis nek". i dont think she get it though.
anyway...
HANIS
i love you still... loving you never ends.. please take care cause i will, and i want you to. thanx for de memories. hope we could go out so0n together, as friends. i still wanna watch madagascar with you.
broken by love 8:19 AM
i heard this song on radio this morn. i could relate to it. its whad im feelin inside.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
I open my eyes
I try to see but im blinded by the white light
I cant remember how
I cant remember why
Im lying here tonight
And I cant stand the pain
And I cant make it go away
No I cant stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Theres no where to run
The night goes on
As im fading away
Im sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybodys screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
Im slipping off the edge
Im hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I cant explain what happened
And I cant erase the things that ive done
No I cant
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Ive got no where to run
The night goes on
As Im fading away
Im sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Ive got no where to run
The night goes on
As im fading away
Im sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
simple plan - untitled
broken by love 1:29 PM
i just read his blog.
Monday, May 16, 2005
broken by love 11:15 PM
i was wonderin how could anyone even blog when they feel like shit. but i guess it helps. its like therapy.
speakin bout therapy, i think ive got to hand in my pi (preliminary ideas) for pw (project work) tmrw. since i didnt go to scho0l today.
yes, i skippd scho0l. and went to nats place in de early wet mornin of monday,16th may 2005. de sky was cryin like mad for me. i just felt like de weather tis morn was somehow how i was feelin. heavy, dark, upsettin and overwhelmin.
i had plannd it. i needed a listenin ear. i needed a companion. i needed to let it out. i needed someone.
so her mom was quite shockd to see me when she opened de door. she thot it was her sister, who sent her kid, aimin/amin, for her to babysit. i reachd her place at 7.38/48/58 but waitd for nat to wake up which was around 8 plus. i felt bad for appearin early in de morn but i cant help it. sorry auntie.
anw, i purposely woke up late. kinda purposely coz my eyes were very heavy still due to de cryin i had de night before.
felt better thruout de afterno0n. spent time with nat. almost de whole day. then we had dance practice for teachers day, de ex peicaians la. me, nat, hisyam, manda, shahrul and mat. no, not nats Mat. tis mat was given de name mat cause nat gave him that name. manda came then awhile later she askd whos that, (his name is raymee/hilmi) but nat just said mat. so we calld him mat all de way la. hes shahruls cousin btw. lo0ks cute.
before that, i accompanied nat to hougang ave 8 to take her moms top from an alterin shop but de stupid auntie was out so had to wait til 3pm which was when her lunch suppose to end. from 1 till 3 pm for lunch..? stewpid. so we went to macs since theres air con and we were hot. (yes we are).oh there was tis DAMN cute guy la from montfort. was flirtin with these chij girls. must be ij punggol since thats de nearest ij around. de macs was damn noisy. me n nat kinda thot of our secondary scho0l days. nat askd me whether we were that noisy and stuff. anw, i cant leave my eyes of that bugger. to0o0 bad hes so much younger coz he was wearin shorts, instead of long pants. nat wantd me to dare her to ask that guy (boy) for his no. and embarrass me and such. crapsies.
she accompanied me home first at around 1 plus to change my uni before we went to hougng ave 8. then we went to play po0l. saw a lot of peicaians. ex peicaians. oh, we scored 13 white balls altogether in de 2nd game. and 3 more in de last/3rd game. stewpid. i 'scored' like 13 white balls in both games altogether la. damn funny la. once, nat tried to hit de ball and she hit de air above de ball. meanin was she didnt hit de ball at all la. so i laughd. then, she repeated it again. dman stewpid la. itwas damn loseristic. cant stop laughin man. then i told her that if she were to repeat that again for de 3rd time, im gona stampd an "L"/"Loser" on her forehead. it didnt happend though. de stampin i mean.
anw, enjoyd de day. dancin is fun. always. though we dint do much. we were practically just slackin around, listenin to music at de multipurpose hall/court. shahrul brought his laptop for de music. we managd to watch 'you got served' at nats place and on de laptop. hisyam wanna try to copy de dance moves. damn tough. i managd to copy like one move which i doubt was even correct but close enuff la. anw, i did tis lindy hop move with hisyam. he swung me around his waist and grab me on de other side. add a touch of my previous syf move to it. de move wasnt in de actually syf performance though due to lack of time. im sidetrackin.
anw, night turnd out bad when all of us had no place to go to dance since mats startd to gather to play soccer at de court/hall. so we ended up beside a lampost, near some dog poo (ard 30m away) and startd talkin bout next meetin/practice and such la. i ended up squattin while all of them were standin and closed my eyes. thots of hanis, relationship, unhappiness, sadness, everythin that revolves ard it comes to mind. feelin emo. i think they were teasin me above my head or somethin but i couldnt be botherd. nat defended me somehow. then nat tappd me and told me 'lets go', i didnt wanna budge. eventually i did after a few more taps and such, and manda and her walkd me home (sorta). nat began to see my change in response i guess. i didnt even say bye or anythin to de guys. felt emo and upset. whenw alkin away from de guys, i startd to cry. manda said its alright to cry adn such. overwhelmd by sadness coz i startd thinkin bout hanis again. so they walkd with me and i told them that i wanna sit down and talk, and these nice angels agreed to do so despite havin to be home early.
we sat at a playground opp yio chu kang primary and talkd. there were some points durin de chat that i just cant help it but to cry. and i wept when i heard their side of de story. honestly, i dont know why but i just cried when they told me their version. maybe i pitied them. maybe i felt sorry for them or for gettin them into my unpleasant atmosphere. or maybe i felt lucky to still somewhad have hanis. i actually wantd to not go home cause my mind is messd up. its like runnin away but yet not. just tho i could destress myself. but nat made me think of my dad and i dcided not to. they kinda prep talkd me and such la. anw nat, manda i thank you guys for those personal experiences. and nat, im so sorry to keep bringin out Mat in our conversations. im sorry to iritate you by repeatedly sayin that i wanna meet him and such. hope you dont find me rude. i dont know why i do that to0. and today was de first time i actually see you cry bcoz of your relationship. i usually read about your 'cryins'. coz you're a tough bitch! wo0 ho0!! lu skill beb..!!
i guess im still lucky. im hopin for de best but i dont wanna dwell on it to0 much. i guess i could be hurt even more if things screw up worst than it can be. i cant be bothered. or so thats whad im feelin now. maybe i dont wanna feel it cause then i'll be more upset and such. de nicest thing i guess was when they said that they think me and hanis can work this relationship out. it was very comfortin. a sense of reassurance. a sense of hope. a sense of happiness.
HANIS
hey there. i hope you're feelin better. at least a lil. i hope by not msgin, you can take de time to think it out and clean up your messy conscience. its really hard for me and i know its de same for you. or even worst. i do hope for de best but i dont wanna have high hopes and such. its painful. very painful at times. not seein any msg from you on my hp was torturous. i do hope you're copin. i'll listen to nat and not disturb you. concentrate on your tournaments. that way, i still hope you know that im still supportin you despite unable to see your matches and msg you words of encouragement. Jia You! you always tell me that. You can do it to0! go finals. shave. i wanna see you bald de next time we get de chance to meet. im willin to sacrifice for you. for love. for de relationship. for us. i still care and love you. lastly, please dont forget or avoid eatin. i wanna know that you're takin care of yourself and that you dont keep your stomach empty. its a simple request/favour i have for you. with that, i just wanna thank you for evrythin that we have gone thru and that you've done for me. whadever it is, i'll wait.
broken by love 9:57 PM
im feelin sick now. very weak and helpless. cause i read his blog.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
theres no point in goin scho0l and thinkin of scho0l. so im thinkin of meetin nat. or just come knockin on her do0r in de morn.
i feel so..... i dont know whad to say. its an unpleasant feeling, thats all.
things can go well for others, and bad for us. and vice versa. im receivin de former.
i found this poem on johans friends blog. i find it damn sweet and i told her i'll give her credits. its done by sara and she did this on her own. original. i find it so damn sweet that i could relate to it. i thought 'we' could relate to it. now, i guess, its just a dream..
Love me when I'm old and shocking
Peel off my elastic stockings
Swing me from the chandeliers
Let's be randy bad old dears
Push around my chromed Bath Chair
Let me tease your white chest hair
Scaring children, swapping dentures
Let us have some great adventures
Take me to the Dogs and Bingo
Teach me how to speak the lingo
Bone my eels and bring me tea
Show me how it's meant to be
Take me to your special places
Watching all the puzzled faces
You in shorts and socks and sandals
Me with warts and huge love-handles
As the need for love enthrals
Wrestle with my dampproof smalls
Make me laugh without constraint
Buy me chocolate body paint
Hold me safe throughout the night
When my hair has turned to white
Believe me when I say it's true
I've waited all my live for you.
for a person who doesnt even liked or had feelings for her boyfriend way before, its kinda shockin for someone like me to actually not want to let go despite de waves crashin and storm blowin at her. i think i would have survived de tsunami..
but not this.
broken by love 11:57 PM
i guess its true that you have to keep yourself busy so as not to think to0 much about things.
i was busy helpin out to bake de pineapple tarts tis mornin. now that its done and i decided to do my homework, my mind is filled with hanis.
i cant concentrate on my work, with de fact that i dont know how to do. ive got an accounts test tmrw and i cant uunderstand a shit bout accounts.
hanis msged me this mornin, saying that he cant say that he loved me. not at that time at least. it was unexpected but hey, i told him that before. so then i knew how it felt but im okay. i told him so and that as long as he dont make any stupid decision again, im fine.
i guess hes relly confused. talked out with nat and she too agreed that hanis is taking things a tad too seriously on practically evrything that are matters of de heart.
i really wanna help him. but i really dont know how since he himself dont know whads wrong.
i heard he bloggd. im gona check out his and nats blog.
i heard someone called me a bitch on my taggie. well, it doesnt matter. cause i know im one and i dont deny it at least.
i miss hanis.. and i love you know..
broken by love 11:10 PM
ive just ended malay lesson. it was freakin fun cause we didnt do any werk. we just played this sorta game or get-to-know game. we have to fill in names of people who suit certain instances/boxes. for example, i know how to read de Koran. but then, when most of de boxes are filled up, im left with those that i dont even thought of. theres this one box that actually made me laugh and i never thot i would end up writing in it. its de "..like guys with chest hair.." i was like eew!! but i had not choice cause they shove it to me and me bein nice, i just make do with whads left.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
well, im not that nice. im a bitch. okay, before this activity, we had this sorta about-me piece of paper where you wrote about yourself, your likes and dislikes, and other people will write about you. so under dislike, i said that im happy today so i dont feel like i dislike anythin. then i mentioned that i hate myself when i hurt peoples feelings and i that i m tryin to control myself from doin it la.
well, i manage to all this while.. all except for today. so far its today la. i wrote in amalias paper that she's bitchy and something else that i cant recall.. im bein honest here. i guess there are alot of people who agree with me but dont dare to write such stuffs la.. anw, turns out she wrote something nice for me and i felt bad. she found it was me cause i guess my handwrittin was recognisable, ija told me that la.. she said i was her motivation.. well, just now durin pe, i was like encouragin her and ran with her all la.. i dont hate her or anythin fyi.. i just hope that she can know her mistakes and stuff like that.. that was whad cikgu said la.. dont write de positive only.. so i did it la.. i wrote de negative.. as a representation of those who do agree..
well, im not that go0d and i knew that.. cause i got this one comment that i was "over" and that i tried too hard for attention. i couldnt help it but to laugh. its really cool to find out whad others think about you.. there are of cause lots of crappy and sweet/nice comments.
ouh.. and i wrote to this girl something bad. see, there are 2 hafizahs in my level. one from my class, who is de president for student councillor, and de otehr is a... another hafizah la. so when i saw de name, i i just wrote "you've made us proud!" and then i realised that there were 2 hafizahs. i checkd de class and boy i was referrin to de wrong one. so i cancelled and i wrote something funny (it was sarcastic and evil as well) you see, theres was one time earlier this year, where she had to tell somethin bout herself to de whole malay class and she said that she got caught for smokin before and stuff la.. but she quitted, thats whad she claims. and de guys kinda madefun of her cause she's quite nerdy and she lo0ks like she's a pretty nice gerl. taht was why alot of us were quite shocked to find out bout that. so whad i wrote in her paper, after cancellin de "you've made us proud!" comment, was.. "eh, lets smoke pot (ganja) la.." somethin along that line.
yes, im evil. i should die and rot in hell. and i stink. someone im so not closed to agree with me. well, at least she's honest. cause she was behind me and i said that i stank and she responded la. was shockd though to hear from her. so i wrote in her paper that she's straightforward. right on. it was a cool activity.
i guess people thing i try to hard to get attention because of today. okay, i had pe and then i played soccer with de guys after pe. yatie joined too. anw, after de game, which was during our break, i went to de canteen with khairuz. i was wearin my fbt and my slippers. i wore my fbt underneath my pe shorts you see cause when i changed i couldnt be bothered to remove my fbt. and i took out my slippers from my locker cause my feet felt warm and all la after de circuit trg and soccer. i was drenchd and alot of people kept askin "eh you bathe ah?" "eh you swim is it?".. and i dint change till mlay class. and i came in late. cause we played soccer durin our break period and 10 min before de bell rang, we went to de canteen. so came in malay class late. and i was still wearin slippers. i did notice that people were givin me de lo0ks and like whisperin bout me la. told ija that but ija bein my sis and de nicest fella said that they werent gossipin bout me and stuffs, they were talkin bout cikgu and some other things..
sigh.. well, as long as my close buddies/mates/friends dont judge me, i'll still do whad im comfortable with..
and hey, i get alot of "sporty" "sports freak" "friendly" and things like that too kay.. so im not that bad after all.
i gave my friends a kiss on their head and hugs and taps for encouragement and for their effort.. im tryin to change.. for de better. umm.. with one failed attempt today.one.
oh and terrence.. im sorry to kick de ball at your *bleep*. hope i did hit you at your thigh, like whad you told me..
yesterday was de crappiest MONDAY. right khairuz? nat? me and khairuz SUPPOSEDLY went to study but in de end we left for harbour front with nat. khairuz was freakd out by this guy at coffee bean, who nat thot lo0ks like sidek, cause that guy kept eyein him. that was funny sal! and i saw huda after so many centuries!!! still very huda-ish. heh.
my initial idea of goin to harbour front was to get somethin for hanis and go into his school and passed it to him. hah! yes, crazy. kept havin that idea since yesterday mornin. that was why i wore de saints tee, so that i can blend in with de sajc-ians. but i dint though. cause we went to chinatown instead. they psycho (and psycho. inside joke.) into gettin this tote bag. well, there were tonnes of nice things i wanted at both harbourfront and chinatown. i bought a ring at harbour front's montip. actually, we wanted to go to little india. anw, theres banquet at harbour front fyi. at one far off corner on de ground floor.
anw, NAT, i wanna meet your Mat!!!! and i ::euphoric:: wanna meet Mat's fren!!!!! you know who.... i want i want i want!!!!
okay. stopi siti. maintain. like whad maira said. somethin bout maintain fit..
i need to crap. and i stink. maybe after goin to de gym, i shall bathe. or just wet myself. or borrow de chis toiletries.
and peeps...
GUA SKILL BEB! SAAAAKKK... LU SKILL AH SITI..
Teros.. KEDI MA'ON SAKK...
we should go out more often. khairuz is learnin "To Be A Better Man". and guys from boy scho0l are hot and so sweet and gentlemanly!!!! sweet thang!!
thats why i love Hanis so much.
broken by love 12:09 PM
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you're
really cheesy! Have fun with the entire
football team.
If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla
im sexy.. im cool.. im ready to boot de scho0l!
DARK CRIMSON
??Which colour of Death is yours??
brought to you by Quizilla
deadley..
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
im still getting that...!!!!
Hanisiti 22 december 2005 - ????
broken by love 12:09 PM